I understand why my mind races so much, having higher level of processing than others and having very high emotional intelligence. But why is it when I want to cry, I just can't do it? Is it society that has done this with traditional gender roles? Is it because I'm trying to hide behind a veil of seriousness and professionalism because I want to look perfect? The answer really is both.
In society, it is modeled for males to keep a straight face, from little to no emotional expression. If you are sad in public you are seen as a weakling. If you are angry in public you are seen as aggressive. If you are happy in public you are seen as naive. So it is just better to not express anything at all. As a gay man who expresses himself more toward the masculine side of the spectrum, it is incredibly hard to be congruent with my emotions. Because of societal pressure, that in all honesty I don't have to follow, I am backed against the wall with not wanting to express how I feel and really expressing how I feel. I despise that I must walk around stone-faced and come off as incredibly standoffish toward others, but that is the damage I let society do to me. It's hard to fall out of that pattern considering what has happened to me in past years, but I'm making the smaller changes in myself to do so, such as crying when I’m upset, fight with a punching bag I have in my backyard, or smiling when I am really happy, not fake happy.
The reasoning behind hiding behind a veil of seriousness and professionalism is my ambition to be the perfect person. There really is no such thing, but yet I strive for it anyway because that's what I was taught. I want people to see that I can be a role model, a great friend, a great potential partner, and just an overall amazing person. However, I have been told I don't have to do this contrary to my thoughts on perfectionism. I've been told I have been a role model, a great friend, I have the potential to attract a male partner and be a great partner in return, and that I am an amazing person overall. But, try having years and years of never being good enough for anybody. I'm pretty sure that in the womb I was expected to be the perfect person. It would really be a downer if that were true. There is no real way of knowing, but I do however know that I can't be perfect because there is no existence of perfect out there. You may be wondering, "How does crying come into to this?" That answer is fairly complex. In psychology we call this inappropriate affect, meaning that your emotion internally doesn’t match your emotion externally. So basically, when I feel sad on the inside and feel the physiological response to cry, I cover it up with being happy and smiling, or just keeping a straight face. All in all, it causes issues if you do it all the time in everyday situations and not just at work or at school.
So, really, the point is I only breakdown when the bottle inside me explodes, or when I drink a little too much. It just seems like I’m desensitized to crying as a response to being sad and I’m trying to become more congruent with this emotion. I can’t really stop my brain from racing and I can’t stop from highly emotionally intelligent, but what I can do is make the changes necessary to be the person I want to be and not what others expect me to be. I just want to know what it really feels like to cry, to let the tears flood, to just express this is my reaction to the situation, to feel that vulnerability, and for once not being able to be the strong one.
