*This is merely an opinion piece. You can have an entirely different opinion from mine. I will respect others' opinions, if you respect mine. I mean after all, we all have opinions and if anything sounds slanderous, I did not mean to make it sound so.
As many of you know, 'Divergent' came out yesterday and probably have seen some pretty nifty trailers for the movie.
As the title of this blog implies, I am actually really nervous to see this movie because it is a book-to-movie adaption much like beloved books such as "The Lord of the Rings," "Harry Potter," "The Hunger Games," and numerous others I could list. I love to read and sometimes I get all to excited to see a movie of my favorite book(s). Unfortunately, again, I am afraid of seeing 'Divergent' and there are also reasons I want to see it, too, so as not to make this an incredibly negative post.
I really have two reasons I don't want to see it, so we will start off with the reasons I am not thrilled in seeing this movie:
Reason #1: Shailene Woodley is a hypocrite.
Most people do not know that Ms. Woodley auditioned for the role of Katniss Everdeen who is the main character of "The Hunger Games" trilogy. She reportedly wanted the role badly, but it ultimately went to Jennifer Lawrence.
I guess that would make most actresses bitter because it is a very iconic role, not that Tris Prior (whom Woodley plays in 'Divergent') isn't. In an interview, she was asked to talk about "The Hunger Games" versus "Divergent." She claimed, bitterly, that all "The Hunger Games" is all about is the "love triangle" between Gale, Katniss, and Peeta. Also that Katniss always has to be saved by one of the male characters and completely overlooking the other details of the trilogy.
I understand that it might be a marketing scheme or whatever it is, but that does not make what Ms. Woodley, in a nutshell, had said. For the most part, it is really like comparing apples and oranges. "The Hunger Games" trilogy and the "Divergent" trilogy are their own things. In reality, the only similarities of the books is that they are for young adults set in a dystopian future, they have romance in them (regardless of any love triangles), and much like Katniss and Peeta help each other, Tris and Four more or less do the same thing. Otherwise, they are completely different.
I think she is a decent actress, but I don't want to watch a movie where someone seems bitter and it outshines the character being played.
Reason #2: Book-to-Movie Adaptations make me really nervous.
Again, I am a big fan of books. I can read and read and read all day if I could. The thing is: people in Hollywood want to make such books into movies.
For example such books as: "A Series of Unfortunate Events 1-3," "Eragon," and "Percy Jackson 1-2." Excellent books, but really horrible movies.
But, in my opinion such books as "The Lord of the Rings," "Harry Potter," and "The Hunger Games," were excellent books and were turned into really wonderful movies. (I do admit to my bias on this three series.)
I guess it really does come down to the director and the script writers, but it does not make my fear any better. I was even worried about "The Hunger Games" when it came out a couple years ago and even "Harry Potter."
I also worry that the true translation of the writer's books might be lost due to the casting of the characters. In the trailers for 'Divergent,' Tris just comes off as really bitter and harsh. Whereas in the book, Tris slowly becomes hardened by her society, but still retains her relatively sweet personality. Also in the trailers, Four comes off as a complete hard-ass without that touch of sweetness he is supposed to have. In the book, he is a hard-ass, but it is merely a facade and is in reality a sweet guy and wants to really help Tris because she is like him, being Divergent (or not really belonging to one category in their society). I know it really is just the trailers, but they do have me worried and nitpicky.
Much like the negative reasons, there are two reasons for wanting to see it:
Reason #1: Theo James' CGI'ed tattoos (also he is majorly good-looking) and other effects.
I am one of those people that will go see a movie because of the visual effects and how such effects make the movie come to life (the same goes with the film's music).
Aside from Theo, who plays Four, being a pretty good actor and is fairly good-looking, there is a part in the books that really gives depth to his character as Four. The part where he reveals to Tris, that apart from him being Divergent, his reasoning behind wanting to have the qualities of all five Factions of their society, which consists of: Amity (Kindness), Abnegation (Selflessness), Dauntless (Bravery), Erudite (Intelligence), and Candor (Honesty).
Such things in books, and some movies, reveal great vulnerability in the characters. When Tris sees that he had tattooed (a big part of being Dauntless is getting and having tattoos) the symbols of the Factions down his spine, she notices that it is a huge thing for him to be revealing such a secret to her and the passion that he has to be true to himself (as cliche as that sounds).
Reason #2: It is something completely different than most compelling stories are.
This may seem incredibly obvious to most people, but there is something that really makes "Divergent" great aside from the storyline. But it really is about the characters that make the storyline come to life. Tris, Four, Christina (Tris' best friend in the story), really bring this whole story together.
It is also a theme of not knowing where you belong and being forced to make a choice in where you think you belong. That is what makes this trilogy so relateable because when we all grew up we never truly belonged and tried finding our place. Being Divergent in this society meant you were weird and even some of these kids and adults who were Divergent were killed off because they "threatened the system." It is what is called "pigeonholing," being stuck into a category because of stereotypical traits one might have. That is what these books try to fight against because we are all unique in a special way that could threaten an already fragile system.
Really, this has been on my mind for the last year. I just finally decided to put my thoughts down. I might go see it once the crowds die down, so I can see for myself because like book covers, I know you shouldn't judge a movie by its trailer.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Reflection: Beyond the Mirror
Last night... was an experience.
I ended up going home after I started getting tired at the bar. Drove home, yes I was sober considering I had one drink and it had been hours since then.
I got home, turned on everything to get Netflix running and went I did whatever to get ready for bed, then get a show running. I watched said show and of course it plays the next episode and I had to go into the bathroom for some odd reason.
Then I caught myself staring at my reflection because my eyes looks so grey. Instead of trying to figure out the reason they were grey with the usual tinge of blue, I continued studying my face.
I looked beyond the mirror. For once, not in fear. For once, not for vanity.
My first thought, admittedly, was, 'Everyone had to look at this every day.' in a rather disgusted manner. But, in came the flood of more positive thoughts.
I started seeing myself the way others see me. Enemy and friend alike. For fifteen, drowned out, minutes, I looked and looked. Every facial feature, every trait I possess, every hair on my head. I looked at the greatest and scariest parts of me.
I saw so much in fifteen minutes than I have in countless years.
I saw all the pain and heartbreak in my eyes and, yet, they still show kindness instead of hatred toward the world. I saw in the same grey eyes, an intense fire burning brilliantly. That same fire that produces fear in others, the hardness in my stare and the brilliance in which it burns. Which could be the reason I have some people not liking me, which doesn't bother me because it doesn't surprise me. This list would include my boss and many others I've met in this life because I can see through the bullshit facades they try to put up.
I saw the remnants of an extremely anxious teenager in every acne scar on my face. The one thing I could hurt myself with so no one would see beneath the mask I wore. The internal torment I cause myself. A secret I was worried everyone would find out. Picking, picking, picking, and popping. My mother's warning playing through my head from age thirteen about my father at that point in my life. Picking and popping. Finally, I told everyone my secret and everything changed. The anxiety lessened, the acne practically disappeared, and the picking became less severe. I'm just left with scares and a reminder of who I was all those years ago.
I see now the strong man, physically, mentally, and emotionally, that others see in me. I'm not the weakling that people expect me to be and that's exactly why I scare so many of those people who think I won't get up to fight because I do get up. The trait I always see: resilience. The trait I rarely see: courage. And you'd think the two would go hand-in-hand. At least I don't act like a kicked down dog for a long time.
For the most part, I see that I am the full package. Despite the tattered corners of the box and the water damage from the tears I've spilled over the years. I have brains with incredible intelligence, brawn to defend myself and others, humor, and beauty that doesn't hide a nasty personality. I guess, in that fifteen minutes, I learned that I shouldn't forget who I am to myself and everyone around me.
I do have an effect on people in my life.
Never forget who you are and love yourself to the fullest extent you can.
I ended up going home after I started getting tired at the bar. Drove home, yes I was sober considering I had one drink and it had been hours since then.
I got home, turned on everything to get Netflix running and went I did whatever to get ready for bed, then get a show running. I watched said show and of course it plays the next episode and I had to go into the bathroom for some odd reason.
Then I caught myself staring at my reflection because my eyes looks so grey. Instead of trying to figure out the reason they were grey with the usual tinge of blue, I continued studying my face.
I looked beyond the mirror. For once, not in fear. For once, not for vanity.
My first thought, admittedly, was, 'Everyone had to look at this every day.' in a rather disgusted manner. But, in came the flood of more positive thoughts.
I started seeing myself the way others see me. Enemy and friend alike. For fifteen, drowned out, minutes, I looked and looked. Every facial feature, every trait I possess, every hair on my head. I looked at the greatest and scariest parts of me.
I saw so much in fifteen minutes than I have in countless years.
I saw all the pain and heartbreak in my eyes and, yet, they still show kindness instead of hatred toward the world. I saw in the same grey eyes, an intense fire burning brilliantly. That same fire that produces fear in others, the hardness in my stare and the brilliance in which it burns. Which could be the reason I have some people not liking me, which doesn't bother me because it doesn't surprise me. This list would include my boss and many others I've met in this life because I can see through the bullshit facades they try to put up.
I saw the remnants of an extremely anxious teenager in every acne scar on my face. The one thing I could hurt myself with so no one would see beneath the mask I wore. The internal torment I cause myself. A secret I was worried everyone would find out. Picking, picking, picking, and popping. My mother's warning playing through my head from age thirteen about my father at that point in my life. Picking and popping. Finally, I told everyone my secret and everything changed. The anxiety lessened, the acne practically disappeared, and the picking became less severe. I'm just left with scares and a reminder of who I was all those years ago.
I see now the strong man, physically, mentally, and emotionally, that others see in me. I'm not the weakling that people expect me to be and that's exactly why I scare so many of those people who think I won't get up to fight because I do get up. The trait I always see: resilience. The trait I rarely see: courage. And you'd think the two would go hand-in-hand. At least I don't act like a kicked down dog for a long time.
For the most part, I see that I am the full package. Despite the tattered corners of the box and the water damage from the tears I've spilled over the years. I have brains with incredible intelligence, brawn to defend myself and others, humor, and beauty that doesn't hide a nasty personality. I guess, in that fifteen minutes, I learned that I shouldn't forget who I am to myself and everyone around me.
I do have an effect on people in my life.
Never forget who you are and love yourself to the fullest extent you can.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
The Past Seven Months
I've been pretty neglectful of this blog lately and I think it is about time to revive it with a life update since the last post. The last post being seven months ago, so there is a lot to cover!
After my post, "Rage and Green Eyes", I got a job on January 22nd as a Psychosocial Rehabilitation Specialist. I was incredibly elated and it totally overrode most of the negativity I had been feeling. It is also the longest I have held down a job, too. As of now, I have been with this agency for seven months on August 22nd (correct me if my math is off).
Of course, the job has come with its own set of challenges. Such as getting fired off a client, the dreaded emergency phone, working with a challenging boss, taking away life lessons from each child I work with, and working with the children in general.
What is really the bullshittest reason for being fired off a kid? The kid lied to his mother by twisting my words around. I basically had to lie down and take it like a man. I've been better off without the kid though, quite frankly. And considering that I was pretty much forced to write an apology to the mother by my boss (which I didn't write anyway) I was all good because I know I was only doing my job.
Then there is the lovely, but crucially needed, emergency phone. It is used for when, well for emergencies after office hours and weekends. Needless to say, I have gotten in trouble with that monstrosity twice. Once because I forgot I had it and someone called it, twice. And the second time I accidentally gave out a staff's phone number out. I have been scolded for it and I don't need it again. But, just to say: they really need to learn to give better instructions for the phone and learn not give it to someone who had, at that point, worked with them for three months. Enough said on that though.
Everyone has had tough bosses, so I'm not even going to begin my soapbox in explaining mine.
The kids, I have to say for the most part, are my favorite part of the job. I've learned a lot from them as they have learned from me. All kids from many walks of life have taught me, someone who has been hurt many times at such a young age and has learned to take certain things with much needed stride.
Here is the list of lessons I've learned (some were relearned, too):
That's enough about my professional life, let's get down to the personal level. I don't usually delve into my personal life, but I feel that it is quite necessary this time around.
Emotionally, I've been drained and becoming extremely exhausted from constantly thinking I was a horrible boyfriend, a horrible friend, and just really overall a horrible person. The came in the wonderful analytical brain of mine telling me that something was way off.
In March, my first ex and I were supposed to talk and get closure so both of could move on. Before we met up, he decided to be a dick about us meeting up. He called me 'sexually inadequate,' which cause me to spiral. An amazing friend, well two really amazing friends, M.B. and N.B., pulled me out of it. And gaining closure from this guy? His words and actions showed me that I never should have been stuck on him in the first place. His negativity effected me tremendously and calling me 'sexually inadequate' was the final straw.
Why it take me to be insulted to gain closure, I'll never understand. But HELL it works!
That was only the beginning though. As another ex messaged me on my profession Facebook account basically in a plea for wanting to know how he can 'better' himself for the next guy he might date in the future. Granted that he sent the message in December, I didn't know it was there until April. To my better judgment, I responded. I told him that he shouldn't pit his next boyfriend against his mother. That he shouldn't mess with someone's feelings and manipulate them because he was unsure of his own. That he needs to learn basic respect for people when it came to sex. His response was a sad 'okay' and told me he was on suicide watch at the Boise VA. I didn't feel bad about that, mostly because he needs all the help he can get to stabilize his emotions. Just as a note: he wasn't suffering from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), he is just REALLY emotionally unstable. I'm seeing a huge pattern here, aren't you?
Then recently, like yesterday recently, I gained closure from a prick that I admittedly wasted time on. The guy that lead me on and took advantage of my emotions for him. He messaged me from an app that I somewhat like and sent a simple 'hi' my way. Again to my better judgment I messaged him back. He then proceeded etiquette until he asked when I was going to see his new place. I told him 'never.' Apparently, he didn't get the memo that I wasn't going to have anything to do with him and asked if we were still friends. I pretty much told him, in a nutshell, that he lead me on and was never sorry for playing on my emotions for months. He called me delusional and blocked me accordingly. That was all fine with me and I have given myself much more freedom to love.
Speaking of which, three weeks ago I was dumped over e-mail for whatever fucking reason after said guy went silent for two weeks after my birthday. No phone calls, no texts. Yet he had the time to 'breathe' and post on Facebook about how work was going, Grumpy Cat, and a Jimmy John's sandwich, then claimed to me that he was tremendously busy with work and church projects. Suspicious, I know, but I speculate that the REAL reason for breaking up with me was either: 1) he chose pot over me, 2) got tired of me and found someone else, 3) found someone to have sex with him because I wasn't ready for that kind of intimacy yet, or 4) got scared of the relationship and decided to scrap it like a badly formed project.
Whatever the reasoning that I may speculate or that he may pretend to hide behind for two weeks of unexplained silence, I am fucking better off without him and deserve better, too. Especially after he decided it was a grand idea to invite me to his organ recital the day after the e-mail break up. Oh well, so much for trying to look like the "good guy" in wanting me to berate him, 'vituperate' was the word he used. Who seriously uses that word? He has to live with the decision, now, of losing me and choosing to break up via e-mail, not me. I really hope it hurts him in the future. I'm not going to put myself in a position of blame again. Never.
As I have said before, a lot has happened in seven months, so here are the better parts of it.
My dad, for the first time in years, told me that he loves me. Shocked the holy living hell out of me seeing those words pop across my phone screen. Hearing him say 'I love you buddy' did a lot to me, too. Since I came out to him in 2009, I never heard him say "I love you." Finally, he says it four years later and my heart opened and I cried for a long time. It felt so good and made me feel loved, I could finally live knowing now that my dad accepts me and loves me. He is currently reading my first book and helping me with my dream of being a writer.
I moved into a new place earlier this month with a great friend, M.B., and I have not regretted that decision. I don't think I ever will.
Also I've been getting help from my friend to finally ask my crush out. I've know the guy for over a year and have been given that wonderful year period to get to know him and understand him better as a person. I've written many poems about the guy and I'm afraid to even sound stupid around him. Time will only tell though, for sure. Thank you A.R., M.B., N.B., P.M., T.H., and L.L. for trying to help me understand everything going on with my brain mess.
I just want to thank my loved ones for their support and love in this year of dreams, renewal, and closure. Thank you, my amazing friends, N.B., M.B., and A.R for letting me know that I am never alone and for helping me see my worth as a person. My parents, J.W.M and W.J.M, for the love and support in my endeavors. My other very supportive friends, T.H., P.M., and A.L. for giving me very sound advice when I need more of an extra push in the right direction. My enemies, for the most part, that five me extra reason to push myself and turn you into fools in the end because in the end I'll be stronger for the doubt and shit you try to fill me with in which I don't ever feed into.
And lastly, to my crush, and I hope you read this all because I like you a lot and this is the only way I know how to tell you for sure and really hope I can talk to you soon so I can tell you in person. For now enjoy the first poem I wrote for you.
I can't wait for what the rest of 2013 may bring!
Alive
I see you there,
Sitting there, staring, talking.
Your voice travels like music,
Your muscles tight against your shirt.
You stand up,
You're tall, towering me.
It doesn't seem like it from far away.
You see me, I turn away; shy.
You walk over to me,
To say your goodbye,
I feel hollow,
Until you embrace me.
Your hugs remind me of a summer evening,
Opening a door to step outside,
Feeling a warm breeze against cooled skin.
Until you pull away.
A flicker in your eyes, so blue,
Like lights turning on in a house.
You turn to leave, I turn to tears.
Hollow and alone.
After my post, "Rage and Green Eyes", I got a job on January 22nd as a Psychosocial Rehabilitation Specialist. I was incredibly elated and it totally overrode most of the negativity I had been feeling. It is also the longest I have held down a job, too. As of now, I have been with this agency for seven months on August 22nd (correct me if my math is off).
Of course, the job has come with its own set of challenges. Such as getting fired off a client, the dreaded emergency phone, working with a challenging boss, taking away life lessons from each child I work with, and working with the children in general.
What is really the bullshittest reason for being fired off a kid? The kid lied to his mother by twisting my words around. I basically had to lie down and take it like a man. I've been better off without the kid though, quite frankly. And considering that I was pretty much forced to write an apology to the mother by my boss (which I didn't write anyway) I was all good because I know I was only doing my job.
Then there is the lovely, but crucially needed, emergency phone. It is used for when, well for emergencies after office hours and weekends. Needless to say, I have gotten in trouble with that monstrosity twice. Once because I forgot I had it and someone called it, twice. And the second time I accidentally gave out a staff's phone number out. I have been scolded for it and I don't need it again. But, just to say: they really need to learn to give better instructions for the phone and learn not give it to someone who had, at that point, worked with them for three months. Enough said on that though.
Everyone has had tough bosses, so I'm not even going to begin my soapbox in explaining mine.
The kids, I have to say for the most part, are my favorite part of the job. I've learned a lot from them as they have learned from me. All kids from many walks of life have taught me, someone who has been hurt many times at such a young age and has learned to take certain things with much needed stride.
Here is the list of lessons I've learned (some were relearned, too):
- A mother's love is strongest when her child is struggling to breathe (metaphorically speaking).
- Never doubt the love of your parents because you have no idea when you might lose them for good.
- Some people manipulate because that is how they learned to survive in life.
- Never send mixed messages to your child.
- A child's love for their dysfunctional parent tends to die with ago or time as awareness comes around.
- Even in the darkest of souls, need a little light.
- Even amongst the doubt of recovery, resiliency will win out for those that have it and can use it.
That's enough about my professional life, let's get down to the personal level. I don't usually delve into my personal life, but I feel that it is quite necessary this time around.
Emotionally, I've been drained and becoming extremely exhausted from constantly thinking I was a horrible boyfriend, a horrible friend, and just really overall a horrible person. The came in the wonderful analytical brain of mine telling me that something was way off.
In March, my first ex and I were supposed to talk and get closure so both of could move on. Before we met up, he decided to be a dick about us meeting up. He called me 'sexually inadequate,' which cause me to spiral. An amazing friend, well two really amazing friends, M.B. and N.B., pulled me out of it. And gaining closure from this guy? His words and actions showed me that I never should have been stuck on him in the first place. His negativity effected me tremendously and calling me 'sexually inadequate' was the final straw.
Why it take me to be insulted to gain closure, I'll never understand. But HELL it works!
That was only the beginning though. As another ex messaged me on my profession Facebook account basically in a plea for wanting to know how he can 'better' himself for the next guy he might date in the future. Granted that he sent the message in December, I didn't know it was there until April. To my better judgment, I responded. I told him that he shouldn't pit his next boyfriend against his mother. That he shouldn't mess with someone's feelings and manipulate them because he was unsure of his own. That he needs to learn basic respect for people when it came to sex. His response was a sad 'okay' and told me he was on suicide watch at the Boise VA. I didn't feel bad about that, mostly because he needs all the help he can get to stabilize his emotions. Just as a note: he wasn't suffering from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), he is just REALLY emotionally unstable. I'm seeing a huge pattern here, aren't you?
Then recently, like yesterday recently, I gained closure from a prick that I admittedly wasted time on. The guy that lead me on and took advantage of my emotions for him. He messaged me from an app that I somewhat like and sent a simple 'hi' my way. Again to my better judgment I messaged him back. He then proceeded etiquette until he asked when I was going to see his new place. I told him 'never.' Apparently, he didn't get the memo that I wasn't going to have anything to do with him and asked if we were still friends. I pretty much told him, in a nutshell, that he lead me on and was never sorry for playing on my emotions for months. He called me delusional and blocked me accordingly. That was all fine with me and I have given myself much more freedom to love.
Speaking of which, three weeks ago I was dumped over e-mail for whatever fucking reason after said guy went silent for two weeks after my birthday. No phone calls, no texts. Yet he had the time to 'breathe' and post on Facebook about how work was going, Grumpy Cat, and a Jimmy John's sandwich, then claimed to me that he was tremendously busy with work and church projects. Suspicious, I know, but I speculate that the REAL reason for breaking up with me was either: 1) he chose pot over me, 2) got tired of me and found someone else, 3) found someone to have sex with him because I wasn't ready for that kind of intimacy yet, or 4) got scared of the relationship and decided to scrap it like a badly formed project.
Whatever the reasoning that I may speculate or that he may pretend to hide behind for two weeks of unexplained silence, I am fucking better off without him and deserve better, too. Especially after he decided it was a grand idea to invite me to his organ recital the day after the e-mail break up. Oh well, so much for trying to look like the "good guy" in wanting me to berate him, 'vituperate' was the word he used. Who seriously uses that word? He has to live with the decision, now, of losing me and choosing to break up via e-mail, not me. I really hope it hurts him in the future. I'm not going to put myself in a position of blame again. Never.
As I have said before, a lot has happened in seven months, so here are the better parts of it.
My dad, for the first time in years, told me that he loves me. Shocked the holy living hell out of me seeing those words pop across my phone screen. Hearing him say 'I love you buddy' did a lot to me, too. Since I came out to him in 2009, I never heard him say "I love you." Finally, he says it four years later and my heart opened and I cried for a long time. It felt so good and made me feel loved, I could finally live knowing now that my dad accepts me and loves me. He is currently reading my first book and helping me with my dream of being a writer.
I moved into a new place earlier this month with a great friend, M.B., and I have not regretted that decision. I don't think I ever will.
Also I've been getting help from my friend to finally ask my crush out. I've know the guy for over a year and have been given that wonderful year period to get to know him and understand him better as a person. I've written many poems about the guy and I'm afraid to even sound stupid around him. Time will only tell though, for sure. Thank you A.R., M.B., N.B., P.M., T.H., and L.L. for trying to help me understand everything going on with my brain mess.
I just want to thank my loved ones for their support and love in this year of dreams, renewal, and closure. Thank you, my amazing friends, N.B., M.B., and A.R for letting me know that I am never alone and for helping me see my worth as a person. My parents, J.W.M and W.J.M, for the love and support in my endeavors. My other very supportive friends, T.H., P.M., and A.L. for giving me very sound advice when I need more of an extra push in the right direction. My enemies, for the most part, that five me extra reason to push myself and turn you into fools in the end because in the end I'll be stronger for the doubt and shit you try to fill me with in which I don't ever feed into.
And lastly, to my crush, and I hope you read this all because I like you a lot and this is the only way I know how to tell you for sure and really hope I can talk to you soon so I can tell you in person. For now enjoy the first poem I wrote for you.
I can't wait for what the rest of 2013 may bring!
Alive
I see you there,
Sitting there, staring, talking.
Your voice travels like music,
Your muscles tight against your shirt.
You stand up,
You're tall, towering me.
It doesn't seem like it from far away.
You see me, I turn away; shy.
You walk over to me,
To say your goodbye,
I feel hollow,
Until you embrace me.
Your hugs remind me of a summer evening,
Opening a door to step outside,
Feeling a warm breeze against cooled skin.
Until you pull away.
A flicker in your eyes, so blue,
Like lights turning on in a house.
You turn to leave, I turn to tears.
Hollow and alone.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Rage and Green Eyes
For several weeks, I have felt as though I am different. Different in that I am more tired. More tired of social rules that are set forth in our society and community. Growing sick of the games and hiding in books because that's just an escape. Dystopian worlds I prefer. The Hunger Games. Divergent. Matched. The Maze Runner. Fantasy worlds were filling my thoughts as well. Harry Potter. Percy Jackson. City of Bones. I escape into these worlds because I prefer them over reality. An escape from my rage, which I unhealthily bottle up. My rage for certain people and certain things.
I dislike feeling angry, especially the Irishman in me comes alive in moments where I feel it purely. I become drained. Even just thinking about it saps me of my energy. Last night, that is exactly what happened.
I felt pure Irish-tempered rage. In the pit of my stomach and deep in my heart. Normally, I do not get angry like that, usually I contain it and do not let it fly. I had to remove myself before I did. Three people... Three people I wanted to burn in my flames of rage. My eyes pierced them all. I know they felt it. They did not look at me after that. My eyes probably looked a deep, dark blue. That is what I have been told they turn when I'm angry. Three people in the same room. My rage is justified. They all have that something I cannot stand and they have used that to gain something over me. One broke my heart because I had an innocent crush on him and proceeded to carelessly use that against me. He also decided it would be funny to do something despicable. He once gave me back my spray painting supplies I let him borrow. What he wrote on the tissue paper was unforgivable and still seared into my mind:
To: Fairy, faggot, sissy, flaming, dirty Jew (I should say, I am not really Jewish, but my heritage is)
From: The guy you will never have
He used words I hated to hear and used them against me. And used my liking him against me as well. I never felt as angry in my life in that moment of reading those words and they still swim in my head when I look at him. I still have every right to deck him and kick him once he is down.
The second one, I cuddled with once. The reason I am so mad at him. He felt the need to say things that were not true about me. Simply because someone figured out his secret without me saying a word and he dissed my major, psychology, and my favorite professor whom he had Psychology 101 with. He is a coward in that he does not face his issues face on. Internalizing anger because he is self-hating. I do not care that I lost his trust because there was none to begin with. He placed blame on me rather than himself. Cowardice. That is the word I use for him. As far as my empathy and sympathy goes for him, is that I understand why he is not out to most.
The third one, I barely know, but he has this arrogance that he will never admit. He thinks he is handsome, but he really is not. At least not to me, I will admit that. His arrogance ticks me off alone. Him talking is grating. I know this is not a reason to not to like someone until you get to know him. I just do not have the need to anymore. I would be blatantly candor with him and I do not think he would like that much.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For a few weeks, I have had another feeling I just do not like. Jealousy. The green-eyed monster that lives to ruin relationships and friendships. I swear it shows too much. I think it just comes from caring a lot about people I am attracted to. It makes me more sad than angry. I have a sad jealousy. It pangs. It really does. I have to constantly keep it in-check. It's unhealthy for me to feel this way, but I really cannot explain it when it comes down to it. I've been told it will mellow out with age. I really hope it does. I hate the feeling. I always have.
I know it is somewhat normal to have this feeling, especially when dating multiple people. But, the catch is with me is that when I have so much love and care for someone and they are talking with someone else... well you get the point. I really do not like it. I care too much and that just leads down the road to heartbreak.
I'd like to think I hide it well, but I know I do not. I never know what to do in a situation like that. When the look of envy crosses my face. The gleam in my eye that I feel it pop-up. Jealousy. Sadness, but in the form of being jealous. I hide it the best I can. That is all I can to do keep it in-check. That is so I can distinguish what is real and not real. Pushing back thoughts I know not to be true. That is the best I can do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am only human. I have emotions and feelings like EVERYONE else. Regardless of what anyone thinks. And I am going to feeling them. Whether it is to myself or expressed outwardly toward others. I know I will eventually get back to my baseline. The Hedonic Treadmill Theory at least works in that respect.
I am only human. One person trying to figure out why I am here. Here on this existential journey of life. Make no mistake that, you, too, are human as well.
I dislike feeling angry, especially the Irishman in me comes alive in moments where I feel it purely. I become drained. Even just thinking about it saps me of my energy. Last night, that is exactly what happened.
I felt pure Irish-tempered rage. In the pit of my stomach and deep in my heart. Normally, I do not get angry like that, usually I contain it and do not let it fly. I had to remove myself before I did. Three people... Three people I wanted to burn in my flames of rage. My eyes pierced them all. I know they felt it. They did not look at me after that. My eyes probably looked a deep, dark blue. That is what I have been told they turn when I'm angry. Three people in the same room. My rage is justified. They all have that something I cannot stand and they have used that to gain something over me. One broke my heart because I had an innocent crush on him and proceeded to carelessly use that against me. He also decided it would be funny to do something despicable. He once gave me back my spray painting supplies I let him borrow. What he wrote on the tissue paper was unforgivable and still seared into my mind:
To: Fairy, faggot, sissy, flaming, dirty Jew (I should say, I am not really Jewish, but my heritage is)
From: The guy you will never have
He used words I hated to hear and used them against me. And used my liking him against me as well. I never felt as angry in my life in that moment of reading those words and they still swim in my head when I look at him. I still have every right to deck him and kick him once he is down.
The second one, I cuddled with once. The reason I am so mad at him. He felt the need to say things that were not true about me. Simply because someone figured out his secret without me saying a word and he dissed my major, psychology, and my favorite professor whom he had Psychology 101 with. He is a coward in that he does not face his issues face on. Internalizing anger because he is self-hating. I do not care that I lost his trust because there was none to begin with. He placed blame on me rather than himself. Cowardice. That is the word I use for him. As far as my empathy and sympathy goes for him, is that I understand why he is not out to most.
The third one, I barely know, but he has this arrogance that he will never admit. He thinks he is handsome, but he really is not. At least not to me, I will admit that. His arrogance ticks me off alone. Him talking is grating. I know this is not a reason to not to like someone until you get to know him. I just do not have the need to anymore. I would be blatantly candor with him and I do not think he would like that much.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For a few weeks, I have had another feeling I just do not like. Jealousy. The green-eyed monster that lives to ruin relationships and friendships. I swear it shows too much. I think it just comes from caring a lot about people I am attracted to. It makes me more sad than angry. I have a sad jealousy. It pangs. It really does. I have to constantly keep it in-check. It's unhealthy for me to feel this way, but I really cannot explain it when it comes down to it. I've been told it will mellow out with age. I really hope it does. I hate the feeling. I always have.
I know it is somewhat normal to have this feeling, especially when dating multiple people. But, the catch is with me is that when I have so much love and care for someone and they are talking with someone else... well you get the point. I really do not like it. I care too much and that just leads down the road to heartbreak.
I'd like to think I hide it well, but I know I do not. I never know what to do in a situation like that. When the look of envy crosses my face. The gleam in my eye that I feel it pop-up. Jealousy. Sadness, but in the form of being jealous. I hide it the best I can. That is all I can to do keep it in-check. That is so I can distinguish what is real and not real. Pushing back thoughts I know not to be true. That is the best I can do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am only human. I have emotions and feelings like EVERYONE else. Regardless of what anyone thinks. And I am going to feeling them. Whether it is to myself or expressed outwardly toward others. I know I will eventually get back to my baseline. The Hedonic Treadmill Theory at least works in that respect.
I am only human. One person trying to figure out why I am here. Here on this existential journey of life. Make no mistake that, you, too, are human as well.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
The Letter That Never Arrived
A lot of you know that I've been struggling a lot this year, even my final semester of college. A lot has happened, but one thing in particular I've been struggling with is someone I really cared about and hurt. It hurts to say that maybe, just maybe things weren't meant to happen between the two of us and that we should just be friends, close friends. He is a very sweet and gentle guy, but I hurt him very much even though it was unintentional.
Early in my relationship with him, I wrote him a letter. It never got to him and was sent back to me. I didn't want to open it because I was going to give it to him, but I always forgot to take it with me when I went to go see him. It had been nearly eight months since I wrote it, I finally opened it up to see what I had written, of course I had a few drinks in me when this happened. It is a piece of sentimentality and I cried for a while because I did care about him eight months ago, and I still do.
This is what it said:
April 24, 2012
Hey ----,
I thought I would just write you a letter since you're having a rough week. I am very much looking forward to this weekend. Nice dinner/picnic in the park, a walk around the park, and --- is going to get us a little something for later in the night.
I'm very much enjoying getting to know you. You are very genuine and it is very refreshing to have you in my life right now. Thank you for having me take things slow for once so I can get to know you. I hope we continue this trend and maybe we could play a "get to know each other" game if you'd like this weekend.
Still working on the "surprise" for you as well. Unless this is all the "surprise" you needed. I just want you to feel better this week, I know what you've been through has been a battle, but I'm here for you. I respect you and I definitely want what is best for you in the long scheme of things.
I'm very much looking forward to this weekend. Just spending the time with you is enough to keep me going and of course a few nights of peaceful sleep. I guess I'll be talking to you more after you get this letter.
See you soon,
--- -----
I cried and cried until I fell asleep holding it in my hand and re-reading it. My own words meant for another, the person I care for, just hit me. It just goes to show that words are powerful things, even your own, even if they weren't meant for you. I just wish I could turn back the clock back to June and stop myself from making that snap decision and had the "boyfriend" talk with him. Things just weren't meant to be like that I guess.
If you, you know who you are, are reading this, you will always be a close friend. You are someone I can count on to listen and give me some advice. I hope you find the right guy for you and hopefully he won't hurt you like I did. I love you my friend.
Early in my relationship with him, I wrote him a letter. It never got to him and was sent back to me. I didn't want to open it because I was going to give it to him, but I always forgot to take it with me when I went to go see him. It had been nearly eight months since I wrote it, I finally opened it up to see what I had written, of course I had a few drinks in me when this happened. It is a piece of sentimentality and I cried for a while because I did care about him eight months ago, and I still do.
This is what it said:
April 24, 2012
Hey ----,
I thought I would just write you a letter since you're having a rough week. I am very much looking forward to this weekend. Nice dinner/picnic in the park, a walk around the park, and --- is going to get us a little something for later in the night.
I'm very much enjoying getting to know you. You are very genuine and it is very refreshing to have you in my life right now. Thank you for having me take things slow for once so I can get to know you. I hope we continue this trend and maybe we could play a "get to know each other" game if you'd like this weekend.
Still working on the "surprise" for you as well. Unless this is all the "surprise" you needed. I just want you to feel better this week, I know what you've been through has been a battle, but I'm here for you. I respect you and I definitely want what is best for you in the long scheme of things.
I'm very much looking forward to this weekend. Just spending the time with you is enough to keep me going and of course a few nights of peaceful sleep. I guess I'll be talking to you more after you get this letter.
See you soon,
--- -----
I cried and cried until I fell asleep holding it in my hand and re-reading it. My own words meant for another, the person I care for, just hit me. It just goes to show that words are powerful things, even your own, even if they weren't meant for you. I just wish I could turn back the clock back to June and stop myself from making that snap decision and had the "boyfriend" talk with him. Things just weren't meant to be like that I guess.
If you, you know who you are, are reading this, you will always be a close friend. You are someone I can count on to listen and give me some advice. I hope you find the right guy for you and hopefully he won't hurt you like I did. I love you my friend.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Just an Irritating Year
You want to know what? I've had a really rough time this year. There are some people that I have met that I really do love, and there are some people that can rot in hell if such a place existed. I know I should be waiting for the end of the year for this, but I'm near the point of aggravation that I cannot contain myself anymore.
1) I had an abusive relationship going into this year. He seemed like a lovely guy, but he isolated me until I had no one but him. He verbally abused me and I had no choice, but to wake the hell up and realize that he was not good for me and break up with him.
2) I was stressed out with losing a few friends because I was affiliated with something that was supposed to help the community as a whole. One friend in particular was lost because some people couldn't keep their noses out of private affairs that needed no explaining. And in turn this affiliation turned their backs on one of their own and tried to make me look like the bad guy when they should have looked in the mirror themselves.
3) My parents and brother moved to Arizona. This stressed me out immensely and still does because home for me no longer home.
4) I met an incredible guy in April and it ended so horribly because ONE person thought it was okay to destroy something that made me so happy with my life. Which after that happened, I drank and drank because I was so depressed and because it repressed the nightmares I had for two months. And as much as I fight I am pushed down more and more because he doesn't trust me anymore. It makes me cry at night because I feel like my heart was taken out, stomped on, and put back in. It is so hard to make it through the day because I don't have him. Not a day goes by that I regret letting someone do that to us.
5) My graduate school dreams were crushed. My Graduate Record Exam (GRE) scores are too low because of the people who are insecure about their scores re-take it constantly pushing intelligent people's scores, like mine, down. And facing the reality that only ONE person believes in me in the psychology department and she isn't even my best friend (who has been insufferable lately) or colleague, but the most kind-hearted professor in the psychology department. I'm disheartened and depressed about that and still obviously grieving about it. I know I have other people who believe in me, but I just don't feel it at all from most.
6) Being accused of being shallow. I hate it when I'm accused of this. Listen if you are not my type I will still talk to you, there is nothing in my book that keeps me from having a good friendship with you, it's as simple as that. I love people like I love the woods and the ocean. I will talk to anyone with no prejudice just so long as you are a kind person and don't do me wrong in my eyes.
7) I'm really tired of people avoiding me because they can't be cordial with others and get over giving the cold shoulder to others because they think that "the other person hates me or as no use for me, I know I'll be an ice queen!" It gets REALLY tiring, annoying, and not to mention childish. Grow some gender appropriate gonads and face your issues! It's not that difficult.
I do count my blessings everyday because there were some good things that happened to me this year, like having a place to stay with amazing roommates, parents and friends that love me, and an education and finally graduating on the 21st this month. But really when you look at it 2012 is an awful year for this kid. Sometimes certain years have that crap storm that is unrelenting and there just seems to be no way out. I'll get over it like I always do because of my resilience, but even then I worry that is not enough.
1) I had an abusive relationship going into this year. He seemed like a lovely guy, but he isolated me until I had no one but him. He verbally abused me and I had no choice, but to wake the hell up and realize that he was not good for me and break up with him.
2) I was stressed out with losing a few friends because I was affiliated with something that was supposed to help the community as a whole. One friend in particular was lost because some people couldn't keep their noses out of private affairs that needed no explaining. And in turn this affiliation turned their backs on one of their own and tried to make me look like the bad guy when they should have looked in the mirror themselves.
3) My parents and brother moved to Arizona. This stressed me out immensely and still does because home for me no longer home.
4) I met an incredible guy in April and it ended so horribly because ONE person thought it was okay to destroy something that made me so happy with my life. Which after that happened, I drank and drank because I was so depressed and because it repressed the nightmares I had for two months. And as much as I fight I am pushed down more and more because he doesn't trust me anymore. It makes me cry at night because I feel like my heart was taken out, stomped on, and put back in. It is so hard to make it through the day because I don't have him. Not a day goes by that I regret letting someone do that to us.
5) My graduate school dreams were crushed. My Graduate Record Exam (GRE) scores are too low because of the people who are insecure about their scores re-take it constantly pushing intelligent people's scores, like mine, down. And facing the reality that only ONE person believes in me in the psychology department and she isn't even my best friend (who has been insufferable lately) or colleague, but the most kind-hearted professor in the psychology department. I'm disheartened and depressed about that and still obviously grieving about it. I know I have other people who believe in me, but I just don't feel it at all from most.
6) Being accused of being shallow. I hate it when I'm accused of this. Listen if you are not my type I will still talk to you, there is nothing in my book that keeps me from having a good friendship with you, it's as simple as that. I love people like I love the woods and the ocean. I will talk to anyone with no prejudice just so long as you are a kind person and don't do me wrong in my eyes.
7) I'm really tired of people avoiding me because they can't be cordial with others and get over giving the cold shoulder to others because they think that "the other person hates me or as no use for me, I know I'll be an ice queen!" It gets REALLY tiring, annoying, and not to mention childish. Grow some gender appropriate gonads and face your issues! It's not that difficult.
I do count my blessings everyday because there were some good things that happened to me this year, like having a place to stay with amazing roommates, parents and friends that love me, and an education and finally graduating on the 21st this month. But really when you look at it 2012 is an awful year for this kid. Sometimes certain years have that crap storm that is unrelenting and there just seems to be no way out. I'll get over it like I always do because of my resilience, but even then I worry that is not enough.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
What Spirituality Means to Me
I remember the first time I entered a church, I was six
years old and it wasn’t even the church of my family’s denomination. My parents
placed me at a catholic school as a kid because I got jealous that my autistic
brother got to go to school before I did, mind you I was only four at that
time. I believe it was Ash Wednesday when I first went; I didn’t know what it
meant or what it stood for. So as the curious kid as I was, and still am, I
asked my first grade teacher what we were doing. Of course she didn’t give me a
clear answer and I still don’t really know what it is to this day, in which I
do plead ignorance in the sense that I don’t really know much about
Catholicism. It also didn’t help that I grew up in a family of mixed
denominations. My dad was raised Episcopal and my mom was raised Southern
Baptist. I don’t really know what my
parents wanted for me as far as religious beliefs went, so it really made
things confusing growing up. When I was nine, my mom took me to church with my
adopted grandfather. This church was a Protestant church if memory serves
correctly, and I was put into a Sunday school class with children my age. In
this class that one Sunday they were talking about Jesus and how he did good
deeds for others he didn’t even know. Because I was the “new kid” in class, I
was called on a lot more than the other children. One thing out of my curiosity
I asked, “How do we know Jesus really did those things?” I was told by the
teacher that the Bible says so. I was nine and didn’t want to accept that
answer. I left the room to look for my mom and when I did, I asked her if we
could leave and to not take me back to that church again. Then the move to
Idaho happened and I was exposed to another type of religion, Mormonism, which
I still don’t have a lot of knowledge of and most of what I know is lies my
parents told me about it. My first exposure to it was when I asked a girl to
come to my house for dinner because she was a good friend, she asked her
parents and they told her that she could go because it sounded like a date
rather than having a friend over for dinner. I asked her why and it was because
she couldn’t date until she was sixteen, in which this made no sense to me at
all because I didn’t ask her out on a date. The next time I went to church I
was twelve, and it was for a youth group and the local church college Northwest
Nazarene University. I went with some good friends I had at the time and had a
great time there. Although stirring inside of me were feelings that didn’t make
sense. It was like the thinking was being done for me and not my own. After my
best friend at the time moved away, I stopped going for years. And through
those years I was trying to come to terms with what I been taught in religion
with my sexuality, which was very difficult to do for someone aged thirteen
through eighteen. I started going to church again when I entered college with
some friends I had made in the dormitories. This church was an interesting one,
something I had never experienced before. Songs about God and Jesus by
religious singers and groups like Casting Crowns, then a sermon, and finally an
encore performance. I’m not friends with some of these people anymore because
of either my sexuality or because I question religion in its entirety. I
stopped going to church at nineteen and haven’t been back since because my
views don’t mesh well with some of their views, especially when it came down to
my sexuality and who I am as a person.
This isn’t about Catholics, Baptists, Protestants, Mormons,
or what it is about them I do and don’t like. This is about what Spirituality
means to me and also what Agnostic means to me as well because I belong in both
camps, but they are both situational in my views and I’m not going to claim
that I’m right or wrong, this is just purely explanatory for my belief system
that works for myself.
Spirituality is different for everyone. It is high
meaningful to say that it is a broad spectrum of beliefs rather than a static view. Of course my idea of
Spirituality is going on a long run and thinking about life decisions that must
be made or even just meditating on my own or in yoga class. My belief in Heaven
is that there is one and we all go there regardless of what we did on Earth and
my belief is that Hell doesn’t exist because we are currently experiencing it in
our waking life. Hell is said to be a place of fire and brimstone, a place
where those who sinned go to experience unimaginable pain and discomfort.
Earth, I believe is our Hell, there is no Satan or demons; there is experience
of pain and discomfort at unimaginable levels. If Jesus did die for our sins
than why is it that we cannot sin freely without being told we are going to
Hell? The answer I have arrived at for myself is that humans are going to be
sinners; no matter how hard we try we are never going to be perfect, therefore
we always sin and we’d all be going to Hell anyway. I can’t honestly say that,
and this one is overused, that I’m going to Hell just because I’m gay. This is
where my belief in God comes into the picture. I believe that God can possibly
be a man or a woman, we don’t really know for sure and since watching “Joan of
Arcadia” I hold this belief that if you believe God is a man then that is your
view, and same goes for if you believe God is a woman. He/She has set a path
for us to follow and gives us a choice on such a path. He/She also creates us
in the beginning of our life here on Earth. Suffice to say I was born gay and
is not a choice because I have something to learn as a gay man that someone
didn’t learn at all for whatever reason it may be. My soul is of God’s essence,
just like everybody else’s. When we do die we become a part of He/She, with no
judgment aside from whether we return to Earth or not, which this idea is
called reincarnation, only I don’t believe we become a plant or animal when we
learned our lesson. But this is what I personally believe. Another reason I’m
not completely agnostic is that there are many things that can’t be explained
objectively. An example is my friendship with my best friend. I was dating an
incredibly abusive person at the start of this year and I actually met her in
an undergraduate Practicum class and she saw that I was in constant sadness.
She started hanging around me and eventually things blew up between this guy
and I. I had a good talk with her about what to do, as well as another good
friend of mine, and decided to break-up with him. She also noticed that I
wasn’t eating that well and becoming anorexic and helped me get out of that
hole I was in. If she didn’t come into my life I would’ve just starved myself
into malnutrition. She has helped me in more ways than one. It is unsuspected
friendships like hers that keep me believing in God.
Agnostism to me is when I am in the lab or when I’m making a
decision for my life, which is in tie with my spirituality. When I am in the
psychology labs I have to be objective and not let personal ideas get in my
way. I think of it as my scientist-self. There is protocol to be followed and
decisions have to be made in a non-personal manner. This idea is still fairly
new to me, but when I do think about it a lot of questions do come to my mind.
My main question is what kind of God puts someone on Earth that is homosexual
and allows others to be ridiculed for who they are? That was something I asked
myself during high school when I was being bullied for being different. It just
didn’t seem fair at all. A great friend of mine and I were talking about this
last night, is that the good gay men constantly get hurt, not just by patterns
of hurt we all go through, but because people make the decision to hurt others
for no reason other than that they are different and don’t fit into a mold.
Sure it gets confusing since I have a foot in one world and
the other one in another. When it comes down to it, this works for me as a
person and helps me work out what is going on in the world. This helps me
create a world that is easier to understand and still be able to be a skeptic
in a dangerous world such as ours. Even with being a gay male, I still have
faith in what I believe to be true and no one can take that away from me.
Because everyone’s ideas of religion, spirituality, and skepticism are
different. Some are more different than night and day, and instead of causing
an argument over who is right and who is wrong, we should try to understand our
differences and learn from each other.
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