Last night... was an experience.
I ended up going home after I started getting tired at the bar. Drove home, yes I was sober considering I had one drink and it had been hours since then.
I got home, turned on everything to get Netflix running and went I did whatever to get ready for bed, then get a show running. I watched said show and of course it plays the next episode and I had to go into the bathroom for some odd reason.
Then I caught myself staring at my reflection because my eyes looks so grey. Instead of trying to figure out the reason they were grey with the usual tinge of blue, I continued studying my face.
I looked beyond the mirror. For once, not in fear. For once, not for vanity.
My first thought, admittedly, was, 'Everyone had to look at this every day.' in a rather disgusted manner. But, in came the flood of more positive thoughts.
I started seeing myself the way others see me. Enemy and friend alike. For fifteen, drowned out, minutes, I looked and looked. Every facial feature, every trait I possess, every hair on my head. I looked at the greatest and scariest parts of me.
I saw so much in fifteen minutes than I have in countless years.
I saw all the pain and heartbreak in my eyes and, yet, they still show kindness instead of hatred toward the world. I saw in the same grey eyes, an intense fire burning brilliantly. That same fire that produces fear in others, the hardness in my stare and the brilliance in which it burns. Which could be the reason I have some people not liking me, which doesn't bother me because it doesn't surprise me. This list would include my boss and many others I've met in this life because I can see through the bullshit facades they try to put up.
I saw the remnants of an extremely anxious teenager in every acne scar on my face. The one thing I could hurt myself with so no one would see beneath the mask I wore. The internal torment I cause myself. A secret I was worried everyone would find out. Picking, picking, picking, and popping. My mother's warning playing through my head from age thirteen about my father at that point in my life. Picking and popping. Finally, I told everyone my secret and everything changed. The anxiety lessened, the acne practically disappeared, and the picking became less severe. I'm just left with scares and a reminder of who I was all those years ago.
I see now the strong man, physically, mentally, and emotionally, that others see in me. I'm not the weakling that people expect me to be and that's exactly why I scare so many of those people who think I won't get up to fight because I do get up. The trait I always see: resilience. The trait I rarely see: courage. And you'd think the two would go hand-in-hand. At least I don't act like a kicked down dog for a long time.
For the most part, I see that I am the full package. Despite the tattered corners of the box and the water damage from the tears I've spilled over the years. I have brains with incredible intelligence, brawn to defend myself and others, humor, and beauty that doesn't hide a nasty personality. I guess, in that fifteen minutes, I learned that I shouldn't forget who I am to myself and everyone around me.
I do have an effect on people in my life.
Never forget who you are and love yourself to the fullest extent you can.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Sunday, August 25, 2013
The Past Seven Months
I've been pretty neglectful of this blog lately and I think it is about time to revive it with a life update since the last post. The last post being seven months ago, so there is a lot to cover!
After my post, "Rage and Green Eyes", I got a job on January 22nd as a Psychosocial Rehabilitation Specialist. I was incredibly elated and it totally overrode most of the negativity I had been feeling. It is also the longest I have held down a job, too. As of now, I have been with this agency for seven months on August 22nd (correct me if my math is off).
Of course, the job has come with its own set of challenges. Such as getting fired off a client, the dreaded emergency phone, working with a challenging boss, taking away life lessons from each child I work with, and working with the children in general.
What is really the bullshittest reason for being fired off a kid? The kid lied to his mother by twisting my words around. I basically had to lie down and take it like a man. I've been better off without the kid though, quite frankly. And considering that I was pretty much forced to write an apology to the mother by my boss (which I didn't write anyway) I was all good because I know I was only doing my job.
Then there is the lovely, but crucially needed, emergency phone. It is used for when, well for emergencies after office hours and weekends. Needless to say, I have gotten in trouble with that monstrosity twice. Once because I forgot I had it and someone called it, twice. And the second time I accidentally gave out a staff's phone number out. I have been scolded for it and I don't need it again. But, just to say: they really need to learn to give better instructions for the phone and learn not give it to someone who had, at that point, worked with them for three months. Enough said on that though.
Everyone has had tough bosses, so I'm not even going to begin my soapbox in explaining mine.
The kids, I have to say for the most part, are my favorite part of the job. I've learned a lot from them as they have learned from me. All kids from many walks of life have taught me, someone who has been hurt many times at such a young age and has learned to take certain things with much needed stride.
Here is the list of lessons I've learned (some were relearned, too):
That's enough about my professional life, let's get down to the personal level. I don't usually delve into my personal life, but I feel that it is quite necessary this time around.
Emotionally, I've been drained and becoming extremely exhausted from constantly thinking I was a horrible boyfriend, a horrible friend, and just really overall a horrible person. The came in the wonderful analytical brain of mine telling me that something was way off.
In March, my first ex and I were supposed to talk and get closure so both of could move on. Before we met up, he decided to be a dick about us meeting up. He called me 'sexually inadequate,' which cause me to spiral. An amazing friend, well two really amazing friends, M.B. and N.B., pulled me out of it. And gaining closure from this guy? His words and actions showed me that I never should have been stuck on him in the first place. His negativity effected me tremendously and calling me 'sexually inadequate' was the final straw.
Why it take me to be insulted to gain closure, I'll never understand. But HELL it works!
That was only the beginning though. As another ex messaged me on my profession Facebook account basically in a plea for wanting to know how he can 'better' himself for the next guy he might date in the future. Granted that he sent the message in December, I didn't know it was there until April. To my better judgment, I responded. I told him that he shouldn't pit his next boyfriend against his mother. That he shouldn't mess with someone's feelings and manipulate them because he was unsure of his own. That he needs to learn basic respect for people when it came to sex. His response was a sad 'okay' and told me he was on suicide watch at the Boise VA. I didn't feel bad about that, mostly because he needs all the help he can get to stabilize his emotions. Just as a note: he wasn't suffering from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), he is just REALLY emotionally unstable. I'm seeing a huge pattern here, aren't you?
Then recently, like yesterday recently, I gained closure from a prick that I admittedly wasted time on. The guy that lead me on and took advantage of my emotions for him. He messaged me from an app that I somewhat like and sent a simple 'hi' my way. Again to my better judgment I messaged him back. He then proceeded etiquette until he asked when I was going to see his new place. I told him 'never.' Apparently, he didn't get the memo that I wasn't going to have anything to do with him and asked if we were still friends. I pretty much told him, in a nutshell, that he lead me on and was never sorry for playing on my emotions for months. He called me delusional and blocked me accordingly. That was all fine with me and I have given myself much more freedom to love.
Speaking of which, three weeks ago I was dumped over e-mail for whatever fucking reason after said guy went silent for two weeks after my birthday. No phone calls, no texts. Yet he had the time to 'breathe' and post on Facebook about how work was going, Grumpy Cat, and a Jimmy John's sandwich, then claimed to me that he was tremendously busy with work and church projects. Suspicious, I know, but I speculate that the REAL reason for breaking up with me was either: 1) he chose pot over me, 2) got tired of me and found someone else, 3) found someone to have sex with him because I wasn't ready for that kind of intimacy yet, or 4) got scared of the relationship and decided to scrap it like a badly formed project.
Whatever the reasoning that I may speculate or that he may pretend to hide behind for two weeks of unexplained silence, I am fucking better off without him and deserve better, too. Especially after he decided it was a grand idea to invite me to his organ recital the day after the e-mail break up. Oh well, so much for trying to look like the "good guy" in wanting me to berate him, 'vituperate' was the word he used. Who seriously uses that word? He has to live with the decision, now, of losing me and choosing to break up via e-mail, not me. I really hope it hurts him in the future. I'm not going to put myself in a position of blame again. Never.
As I have said before, a lot has happened in seven months, so here are the better parts of it.
My dad, for the first time in years, told me that he loves me. Shocked the holy living hell out of me seeing those words pop across my phone screen. Hearing him say 'I love you buddy' did a lot to me, too. Since I came out to him in 2009, I never heard him say "I love you." Finally, he says it four years later and my heart opened and I cried for a long time. It felt so good and made me feel loved, I could finally live knowing now that my dad accepts me and loves me. He is currently reading my first book and helping me with my dream of being a writer.
I moved into a new place earlier this month with a great friend, M.B., and I have not regretted that decision. I don't think I ever will.
Also I've been getting help from my friend to finally ask my crush out. I've know the guy for over a year and have been given that wonderful year period to get to know him and understand him better as a person. I've written many poems about the guy and I'm afraid to even sound stupid around him. Time will only tell though, for sure. Thank you A.R., M.B., N.B., P.M., T.H., and L.L. for trying to help me understand everything going on with my brain mess.
I just want to thank my loved ones for their support and love in this year of dreams, renewal, and closure. Thank you, my amazing friends, N.B., M.B., and A.R for letting me know that I am never alone and for helping me see my worth as a person. My parents, J.W.M and W.J.M, for the love and support in my endeavors. My other very supportive friends, T.H., P.M., and A.L. for giving me very sound advice when I need more of an extra push in the right direction. My enemies, for the most part, that five me extra reason to push myself and turn you into fools in the end because in the end I'll be stronger for the doubt and shit you try to fill me with in which I don't ever feed into.
And lastly, to my crush, and I hope you read this all because I like you a lot and this is the only way I know how to tell you for sure and really hope I can talk to you soon so I can tell you in person. For now enjoy the first poem I wrote for you.
I can't wait for what the rest of 2013 may bring!
Alive
I see you there,
Sitting there, staring, talking.
Your voice travels like music,
Your muscles tight against your shirt.
You stand up,
You're tall, towering me.
It doesn't seem like it from far away.
You see me, I turn away; shy.
You walk over to me,
To say your goodbye,
I feel hollow,
Until you embrace me.
Your hugs remind me of a summer evening,
Opening a door to step outside,
Feeling a warm breeze against cooled skin.
Until you pull away.
A flicker in your eyes, so blue,
Like lights turning on in a house.
You turn to leave, I turn to tears.
Hollow and alone.
After my post, "Rage and Green Eyes", I got a job on January 22nd as a Psychosocial Rehabilitation Specialist. I was incredibly elated and it totally overrode most of the negativity I had been feeling. It is also the longest I have held down a job, too. As of now, I have been with this agency for seven months on August 22nd (correct me if my math is off).
Of course, the job has come with its own set of challenges. Such as getting fired off a client, the dreaded emergency phone, working with a challenging boss, taking away life lessons from each child I work with, and working with the children in general.
What is really the bullshittest reason for being fired off a kid? The kid lied to his mother by twisting my words around. I basically had to lie down and take it like a man. I've been better off without the kid though, quite frankly. And considering that I was pretty much forced to write an apology to the mother by my boss (which I didn't write anyway) I was all good because I know I was only doing my job.
Then there is the lovely, but crucially needed, emergency phone. It is used for when, well for emergencies after office hours and weekends. Needless to say, I have gotten in trouble with that monstrosity twice. Once because I forgot I had it and someone called it, twice. And the second time I accidentally gave out a staff's phone number out. I have been scolded for it and I don't need it again. But, just to say: they really need to learn to give better instructions for the phone and learn not give it to someone who had, at that point, worked with them for three months. Enough said on that though.
Everyone has had tough bosses, so I'm not even going to begin my soapbox in explaining mine.
The kids, I have to say for the most part, are my favorite part of the job. I've learned a lot from them as they have learned from me. All kids from many walks of life have taught me, someone who has been hurt many times at such a young age and has learned to take certain things with much needed stride.
Here is the list of lessons I've learned (some were relearned, too):
- A mother's love is strongest when her child is struggling to breathe (metaphorically speaking).
- Never doubt the love of your parents because you have no idea when you might lose them for good.
- Some people manipulate because that is how they learned to survive in life.
- Never send mixed messages to your child.
- A child's love for their dysfunctional parent tends to die with ago or time as awareness comes around.
- Even in the darkest of souls, need a little light.
- Even amongst the doubt of recovery, resiliency will win out for those that have it and can use it.
That's enough about my professional life, let's get down to the personal level. I don't usually delve into my personal life, but I feel that it is quite necessary this time around.
Emotionally, I've been drained and becoming extremely exhausted from constantly thinking I was a horrible boyfriend, a horrible friend, and just really overall a horrible person. The came in the wonderful analytical brain of mine telling me that something was way off.
In March, my first ex and I were supposed to talk and get closure so both of could move on. Before we met up, he decided to be a dick about us meeting up. He called me 'sexually inadequate,' which cause me to spiral. An amazing friend, well two really amazing friends, M.B. and N.B., pulled me out of it. And gaining closure from this guy? His words and actions showed me that I never should have been stuck on him in the first place. His negativity effected me tremendously and calling me 'sexually inadequate' was the final straw.
Why it take me to be insulted to gain closure, I'll never understand. But HELL it works!
That was only the beginning though. As another ex messaged me on my profession Facebook account basically in a plea for wanting to know how he can 'better' himself for the next guy he might date in the future. Granted that he sent the message in December, I didn't know it was there until April. To my better judgment, I responded. I told him that he shouldn't pit his next boyfriend against his mother. That he shouldn't mess with someone's feelings and manipulate them because he was unsure of his own. That he needs to learn basic respect for people when it came to sex. His response was a sad 'okay' and told me he was on suicide watch at the Boise VA. I didn't feel bad about that, mostly because he needs all the help he can get to stabilize his emotions. Just as a note: he wasn't suffering from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), he is just REALLY emotionally unstable. I'm seeing a huge pattern here, aren't you?
Then recently, like yesterday recently, I gained closure from a prick that I admittedly wasted time on. The guy that lead me on and took advantage of my emotions for him. He messaged me from an app that I somewhat like and sent a simple 'hi' my way. Again to my better judgment I messaged him back. He then proceeded etiquette until he asked when I was going to see his new place. I told him 'never.' Apparently, he didn't get the memo that I wasn't going to have anything to do with him and asked if we were still friends. I pretty much told him, in a nutshell, that he lead me on and was never sorry for playing on my emotions for months. He called me delusional and blocked me accordingly. That was all fine with me and I have given myself much more freedom to love.
Speaking of which, three weeks ago I was dumped over e-mail for whatever fucking reason after said guy went silent for two weeks after my birthday. No phone calls, no texts. Yet he had the time to 'breathe' and post on Facebook about how work was going, Grumpy Cat, and a Jimmy John's sandwich, then claimed to me that he was tremendously busy with work and church projects. Suspicious, I know, but I speculate that the REAL reason for breaking up with me was either: 1) he chose pot over me, 2) got tired of me and found someone else, 3) found someone to have sex with him because I wasn't ready for that kind of intimacy yet, or 4) got scared of the relationship and decided to scrap it like a badly formed project.
Whatever the reasoning that I may speculate or that he may pretend to hide behind for two weeks of unexplained silence, I am fucking better off without him and deserve better, too. Especially after he decided it was a grand idea to invite me to his organ recital the day after the e-mail break up. Oh well, so much for trying to look like the "good guy" in wanting me to berate him, 'vituperate' was the word he used. Who seriously uses that word? He has to live with the decision, now, of losing me and choosing to break up via e-mail, not me. I really hope it hurts him in the future. I'm not going to put myself in a position of blame again. Never.
As I have said before, a lot has happened in seven months, so here are the better parts of it.
My dad, for the first time in years, told me that he loves me. Shocked the holy living hell out of me seeing those words pop across my phone screen. Hearing him say 'I love you buddy' did a lot to me, too. Since I came out to him in 2009, I never heard him say "I love you." Finally, he says it four years later and my heart opened and I cried for a long time. It felt so good and made me feel loved, I could finally live knowing now that my dad accepts me and loves me. He is currently reading my first book and helping me with my dream of being a writer.
I moved into a new place earlier this month with a great friend, M.B., and I have not regretted that decision. I don't think I ever will.
Also I've been getting help from my friend to finally ask my crush out. I've know the guy for over a year and have been given that wonderful year period to get to know him and understand him better as a person. I've written many poems about the guy and I'm afraid to even sound stupid around him. Time will only tell though, for sure. Thank you A.R., M.B., N.B., P.M., T.H., and L.L. for trying to help me understand everything going on with my brain mess.
I just want to thank my loved ones for their support and love in this year of dreams, renewal, and closure. Thank you, my amazing friends, N.B., M.B., and A.R for letting me know that I am never alone and for helping me see my worth as a person. My parents, J.W.M and W.J.M, for the love and support in my endeavors. My other very supportive friends, T.H., P.M., and A.L. for giving me very sound advice when I need more of an extra push in the right direction. My enemies, for the most part, that five me extra reason to push myself and turn you into fools in the end because in the end I'll be stronger for the doubt and shit you try to fill me with in which I don't ever feed into.
And lastly, to my crush, and I hope you read this all because I like you a lot and this is the only way I know how to tell you for sure and really hope I can talk to you soon so I can tell you in person. For now enjoy the first poem I wrote for you.
I can't wait for what the rest of 2013 may bring!
Alive
I see you there,
Sitting there, staring, talking.
Your voice travels like music,
Your muscles tight against your shirt.
You stand up,
You're tall, towering me.
It doesn't seem like it from far away.
You see me, I turn away; shy.
You walk over to me,
To say your goodbye,
I feel hollow,
Until you embrace me.
Your hugs remind me of a summer evening,
Opening a door to step outside,
Feeling a warm breeze against cooled skin.
Until you pull away.
A flicker in your eyes, so blue,
Like lights turning on in a house.
You turn to leave, I turn to tears.
Hollow and alone.
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