A lot of you know that I've been struggling a lot this year, even my final semester of college. A lot has happened, but one thing in particular I've been struggling with is someone I really cared about and hurt. It hurts to say that maybe, just maybe things weren't meant to happen between the two of us and that we should just be friends, close friends. He is a very sweet and gentle guy, but I hurt him very much even though it was unintentional.
Early in my relationship with him, I wrote him a letter. It never got to him and was sent back to me. I didn't want to open it because I was going to give it to him, but I always forgot to take it with me when I went to go see him. It had been nearly eight months since I wrote it, I finally opened it up to see what I had written, of course I had a few drinks in me when this happened. It is a piece of sentimentality and I cried for a while because I did care about him eight months ago, and I still do.
This is what it said:
April 24, 2012
Hey ----,
I thought I would just write you a letter since you're having a rough week. I am very much looking forward to this weekend. Nice dinner/picnic in the park, a walk around the park, and --- is going to get us a little something for later in the night.
I'm very much enjoying getting to know you. You are very genuine and it is very refreshing to have you in my life right now. Thank you for having me take things slow for once so I can get to know you. I hope we continue this trend and maybe we could play a "get to know each other" game if you'd like this weekend.
Still working on the "surprise" for you as well. Unless this is all the "surprise" you needed. I just want you to feel better this week, I know what you've been through has been a battle, but I'm here for you. I respect you and I definitely want what is best for you in the long scheme of things.
I'm very much looking forward to this weekend. Just spending the time with you is enough to keep me going and of course a few nights of peaceful sleep. I guess I'll be talking to you more after you get this letter.
See you soon,
--- -----
I cried and cried until I fell asleep holding it in my hand and re-reading it. My own words meant for another, the person I care for, just hit me. It just goes to show that words are powerful things, even your own, even if they weren't meant for you. I just wish I could turn back the clock back to June and stop myself from making that snap decision and had the "boyfriend" talk with him. Things just weren't meant to be like that I guess.
If you, you know who you are, are reading this, you will always be a close friend. You are someone I can count on to listen and give me some advice. I hope you find the right guy for you and hopefully he won't hurt you like I did. I love you my friend.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Just an Irritating Year
You want to know what? I've had a really rough time this year. There are some people that I have met that I really do love, and there are some people that can rot in hell if such a place existed. I know I should be waiting for the end of the year for this, but I'm near the point of aggravation that I cannot contain myself anymore.
1) I had an abusive relationship going into this year. He seemed like a lovely guy, but he isolated me until I had no one but him. He verbally abused me and I had no choice, but to wake the hell up and realize that he was not good for me and break up with him.
2) I was stressed out with losing a few friends because I was affiliated with something that was supposed to help the community as a whole. One friend in particular was lost because some people couldn't keep their noses out of private affairs that needed no explaining. And in turn this affiliation turned their backs on one of their own and tried to make me look like the bad guy when they should have looked in the mirror themselves.
3) My parents and brother moved to Arizona. This stressed me out immensely and still does because home for me no longer home.
4) I met an incredible guy in April and it ended so horribly because ONE person thought it was okay to destroy something that made me so happy with my life. Which after that happened, I drank and drank because I was so depressed and because it repressed the nightmares I had for two months. And as much as I fight I am pushed down more and more because he doesn't trust me anymore. It makes me cry at night because I feel like my heart was taken out, stomped on, and put back in. It is so hard to make it through the day because I don't have him. Not a day goes by that I regret letting someone do that to us.
5) My graduate school dreams were crushed. My Graduate Record Exam (GRE) scores are too low because of the people who are insecure about their scores re-take it constantly pushing intelligent people's scores, like mine, down. And facing the reality that only ONE person believes in me in the psychology department and she isn't even my best friend (who has been insufferable lately) or colleague, but the most kind-hearted professor in the psychology department. I'm disheartened and depressed about that and still obviously grieving about it. I know I have other people who believe in me, but I just don't feel it at all from most.
6) Being accused of being shallow. I hate it when I'm accused of this. Listen if you are not my type I will still talk to you, there is nothing in my book that keeps me from having a good friendship with you, it's as simple as that. I love people like I love the woods and the ocean. I will talk to anyone with no prejudice just so long as you are a kind person and don't do me wrong in my eyes.
7) I'm really tired of people avoiding me because they can't be cordial with others and get over giving the cold shoulder to others because they think that "the other person hates me or as no use for me, I know I'll be an ice queen!" It gets REALLY tiring, annoying, and not to mention childish. Grow some gender appropriate gonads and face your issues! It's not that difficult.
I do count my blessings everyday because there were some good things that happened to me this year, like having a place to stay with amazing roommates, parents and friends that love me, and an education and finally graduating on the 21st this month. But really when you look at it 2012 is an awful year for this kid. Sometimes certain years have that crap storm that is unrelenting and there just seems to be no way out. I'll get over it like I always do because of my resilience, but even then I worry that is not enough.
1) I had an abusive relationship going into this year. He seemed like a lovely guy, but he isolated me until I had no one but him. He verbally abused me and I had no choice, but to wake the hell up and realize that he was not good for me and break up with him.
2) I was stressed out with losing a few friends because I was affiliated with something that was supposed to help the community as a whole. One friend in particular was lost because some people couldn't keep their noses out of private affairs that needed no explaining. And in turn this affiliation turned their backs on one of their own and tried to make me look like the bad guy when they should have looked in the mirror themselves.
3) My parents and brother moved to Arizona. This stressed me out immensely and still does because home for me no longer home.
4) I met an incredible guy in April and it ended so horribly because ONE person thought it was okay to destroy something that made me so happy with my life. Which after that happened, I drank and drank because I was so depressed and because it repressed the nightmares I had for two months. And as much as I fight I am pushed down more and more because he doesn't trust me anymore. It makes me cry at night because I feel like my heart was taken out, stomped on, and put back in. It is so hard to make it through the day because I don't have him. Not a day goes by that I regret letting someone do that to us.
5) My graduate school dreams were crushed. My Graduate Record Exam (GRE) scores are too low because of the people who are insecure about their scores re-take it constantly pushing intelligent people's scores, like mine, down. And facing the reality that only ONE person believes in me in the psychology department and she isn't even my best friend (who has been insufferable lately) or colleague, but the most kind-hearted professor in the psychology department. I'm disheartened and depressed about that and still obviously grieving about it. I know I have other people who believe in me, but I just don't feel it at all from most.
6) Being accused of being shallow. I hate it when I'm accused of this. Listen if you are not my type I will still talk to you, there is nothing in my book that keeps me from having a good friendship with you, it's as simple as that. I love people like I love the woods and the ocean. I will talk to anyone with no prejudice just so long as you are a kind person and don't do me wrong in my eyes.
7) I'm really tired of people avoiding me because they can't be cordial with others and get over giving the cold shoulder to others because they think that "the other person hates me or as no use for me, I know I'll be an ice queen!" It gets REALLY tiring, annoying, and not to mention childish. Grow some gender appropriate gonads and face your issues! It's not that difficult.
I do count my blessings everyday because there were some good things that happened to me this year, like having a place to stay with amazing roommates, parents and friends that love me, and an education and finally graduating on the 21st this month. But really when you look at it 2012 is an awful year for this kid. Sometimes certain years have that crap storm that is unrelenting and there just seems to be no way out. I'll get over it like I always do because of my resilience, but even then I worry that is not enough.
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