"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I did something of a miraculous nature. Something that you think would be an easy task. I let my guilt over a situation go. This guilt just became too great for me so, I sat down and wrote a letter to a guy I really care about. He wasn't the cause of my guilt, but the situation that caused our relationship to end. It has taken me a while to get over not having control over a situation that had me isolated, manipulated, and unable to think about anything. Forgiving yourself is the hardest thing to do when you internalize everything. Constantly reevaluating the situation, seeing how things could have been different from what really happened. It just takes too much energy thinking about the mundane. Just being inside your head and having thoughts race, it is enough to make your head hurt and pass out because you just expended all of your energy.
I am thankful for still having him as a close friend. It was just the situation I attached to him I had to let go of. I never wanted to lose him since his caustic sarcasm keeps me on my toes, he is someone who can understand my situation with my family, and we could hold an intelligent conversation without needing to dumb it down. I would say we have a great friendship, I for once got to know someone as a person and then fall in love with that person, another gay man I could trust fully. Even though I said some callous things to him, he still knew it wasn't me speaking, but someone who was told cadges and manipulated by someone who had the intent of being a malicious bastard. Having a best friend that I nearly lost, but played the game back to get me back with the help of someone who did care about me, and still does. The maliciousness ended after talking to the individual, who deems me at fault, about materialistic things, and saying I was the selfish one. Projection is the con-artist's number one weakness. Not to mention three days into knowing this person, I knew thing were going to go bad, but he never left me alone to think at all. This was what I had to realize before I had to let it go. Nothing could have stopped this situation, aside from a good couple days of thinking and gaining more information.
Mind you this was only the first step I took: realizing that because it was a past event I cannot by any means change it. With me being an internalizer, it takes a lot to get over breakups, situation that have already happened, and abandonment. There are days where I don't think I deserve anybody I have in my life. I don't think I deserve a great guy because the happiness is all too real and foreign. I shouldn't have to feel like crap over everything anymore. Although letting go is hard and I'm still letting bits and pieces go, there is still a part of me that want a second chance with the one guy I did love. There will come a time when all is halcyon and maybe, just maybe I'll get to that third step. The second step is to simply accept the situation because even thought I allowed myself to be manipulated, it wasn't my fault in full. I have accepted what fate has done and that much I cannot change
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