Reflection: Beyond the Mirror

Last night... was an experience.

I ended up going home after I started getting tired at the bar. Drove home, yes I was sober considering I had one drink and it had been hours since then.

I got home, turned on everything to get Netflix running and went I did whatever to get ready for bed, then get a show running. I watched said show and of course it plays the next episode and I had to go into the bathroom for some odd reason.

Then I caught myself staring at my reflection because my eyes looks so grey. Instead of trying to figure out the reason they were grey with the usual tinge of blue, I continued studying my face.

I looked beyond the mirror. For once, not in fear. For once, not for vanity.

My first thought, admittedly, was, 'Everyone had to look at this every day.' in a rather disgusted manner. But, in came the flood of more positive thoughts.

I started seeing myself the way others see me. Enemy and friend alike. For fifteen, drowned out, minutes, I looked and looked. Every facial feature, every trait I possess, every hair on my head. I looked at the greatest and scariest parts of me.

I saw so much in fifteen minutes than I have in countless years.

I saw all the pain and heartbreak in my eyes and, yet, they still show kindness instead of hatred toward the world. I saw in the same grey eyes, an intense fire burning brilliantly. That same fire that produces fear in others, the hardness in my stare and the brilliance in which it burns. Which could be the reason I have some people not liking me, which doesn't bother me because it doesn't surprise me. This list would include my boss and many others I've met in this life because I can see through the bullshit facades they try to put up.

I saw the remnants of an extremely anxious teenager in every acne scar on my face. The one thing I could hurt myself with so no one would see beneath the mask I wore. The internal torment I cause myself. A secret I was worried everyone would find out. Picking, picking, picking, and popping. My mother's warning playing through my head from age thirteen about my father at that point in my life. Picking and popping. Finally, I told everyone my secret and everything changed. The anxiety lessened, the acne practically disappeared, and the picking became less severe. I'm just left with scares and a reminder of who I was all those years ago.

I see now the strong man, physically, mentally, and emotionally, that others see in me. I'm not the weakling that people expect me to be and that's exactly why I scare so many of those people who think I won't get up to fight because I do get up. The trait I always see: resilience. The trait I rarely see: courage. And you'd think the two would go hand-in-hand. At least I don't act like a kicked down dog for a long time.

For the most part, I see that I am the full package. Despite the tattered corners of the box and the water damage from the tears I've spilled over the years. I have brains with incredible intelligence, brawn to defend myself and others, humor, and beauty that doesn't hide a nasty personality. I guess, in that fifteen minutes, I learned that I shouldn't forget who I am to myself and everyone around me.

I do have an effect on people in my life.

Never forget who you are and love yourself to the fullest extent you can.