For several weeks, I have felt as though I am different. Different in that I am more tired. More tired of social rules that are set forth in our society and community. Growing sick of the games and hiding in books because that's just an escape. Dystopian worlds I prefer. The Hunger Games. Divergent. Matched. The Maze Runner. Fantasy worlds were filling my thoughts as well. Harry Potter. Percy Jackson. City of Bones. I escape into these worlds because I prefer them over reality. An escape from my rage, which I unhealthily bottle up. My rage for certain people and certain things.
I dislike feeling angry, especially the Irishman in me comes alive in moments where I feel it purely. I become drained. Even just thinking about it saps me of my energy. Last night, that is exactly what happened.
I felt pure Irish-tempered rage. In the pit of my stomach and deep in my heart. Normally, I do not get angry like that, usually I contain it and do not let it fly. I had to remove myself before I did. Three people... Three people I wanted to burn in my flames of rage. My eyes pierced them all. I know they felt it. They did not look at me after that. My eyes probably looked a deep, dark blue. That is what I have been told they turn when I'm angry. Three people in the same room. My rage is justified. They all have that something I cannot stand and they have used that to gain something over me. One broke my heart because I had an innocent crush on him and proceeded to carelessly use that against me. He also decided it would be funny to do something despicable. He once gave me back my spray painting supplies I let him borrow. What he wrote on the tissue paper was unforgivable and still seared into my mind:
To: Fairy, faggot, sissy, flaming, dirty Jew (I should say, I am not really Jewish, but my heritage is)
From: The guy you will never have
He used words I hated to hear and used them against me. And used my liking him against me as well. I never felt as angry in my life in that moment of reading those words and they still swim in my head when I look at him. I still have every right to deck him and kick him once he is down.
The second one, I cuddled with once. The reason I am so mad at him. He felt the need to say things that were not true about me. Simply because someone figured out his secret without me saying a word and he dissed my major, psychology, and my favorite professor whom he had Psychology 101 with. He is a coward in that he does not face his issues face on. Internalizing anger because he is self-hating. I do not care that I lost his trust because there was none to begin with. He placed blame on me rather than himself. Cowardice. That is the word I use for him. As far as my empathy and sympathy goes for him, is that I understand why he is not out to most.
The third one, I barely know, but he has this arrogance that he will never admit. He thinks he is handsome, but he really is not. At least not to me, I will admit that. His arrogance ticks me off alone. Him talking is grating. I know this is not a reason to not to like someone until you get to know him. I just do not have the need to anymore. I would be blatantly candor with him and I do not think he would like that much.
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For a few weeks, I have had another feeling I just do not like. Jealousy. The green-eyed monster that lives to ruin relationships and friendships. I swear it shows too much. I think it just comes from caring a lot about people I am attracted to. It makes me more sad than angry. I have a sad jealousy. It pangs. It really does. I have to constantly keep it in-check. It's unhealthy for me to feel this way, but I really cannot explain it when it comes down to it. I've been told it will mellow out with age. I really hope it does. I hate the feeling. I always have.
I know it is somewhat normal to have this feeling, especially when dating multiple people. But, the catch is with me is that when I have so much love and care for someone and they are talking with someone else... well you get the point. I really do not like it. I care too much and that just leads down the road to heartbreak.
I'd like to think I hide it well, but I know I do not. I never know what to do in a situation like that. When the look of envy crosses my face. The gleam in my eye that I feel it pop-up. Jealousy. Sadness, but in the form of being jealous. I hide it the best I can. That is all I can to do keep it in-check. That is so I can distinguish what is real and not real. Pushing back thoughts I know not to be true. That is the best I can do.
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I am only human. I have emotions and feelings like EVERYONE else. Regardless of what anyone thinks. And I am going to feeling them. Whether it is to myself or expressed outwardly toward others. I know I will eventually get back to my baseline. The Hedonic Treadmill Theory at least works in that respect.
I am only human. One person trying to figure out why I am here. Here on this existential journey of life. Make no mistake that, you, too, are human as well.
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